Because of You
by Doctor Addison Montgomery
Summary: Short songfic to Because of You by Kelly Clarkson. Smithy writes a letter to his Dad to tell him how he feels after all of these years. SmithyOC.


**Because Of You**

**_Summary: _Short songfic to Because of You by Kelly Clarkson. Smithy writes a letter to his Dad to tell him how he feels after all of these years. Smithy/OC. Please review! Luv, Vikki xXx**

_**

* * *

**_

Dear Dad,

_I will not make the same mistakes that you did  
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery  
I will not break the way you did  
You fell so hard  
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far  
_

It's been a long time since I've thought about getting in contact with you but believe me it's not been a long time since I thought about you. I still want answers for the things that you did. I still don't understand why, you were supposed to love us but you never treated me like you did. I wish I knew why you did all of the things you did. Why did you hit Mum? Why did you make me feel worthless? All I wanted to do was make you proud Dad, was that too much to ask of you?

_Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side  
So I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I find it hard to trust  
Not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid_

You made me live my life in fear; fear of what you'd do to me next; what you do to Mum. She tried to be strong for us but growing up I could always see how much you were hurting her. I was so confused, I wanted you to be my role model, I wanted you to be like my friend's dads. I wanted you to have time for me but I guess I wanted too much.

_I lose my way  
And it's not too long before you point it out  
I cannot cry  
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes  
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh  
Everyday of my life  
My heart can't possibly break  
When it wasn't even whole to start with_

I often wonder what happened to you. Where did you go after you left us? I've always needed to know that you loved us but as I've grown up I've realised that maybe I'm just kidding myself. If you really loved us why did you abuse Mum and treat me like dirt? I looked up to you once, respected you but you lost that right.

_Because of you  
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side  
So I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I find it hard to trust  
Not only me, but everyone around me  
Because of you  
I am afraid_

I'm married now Dad, we have a son; your grandson. I would never dream of treating my child the way treated me. Max is the centre of my universe, he is everything to me and I could never cope without him now. As for my wife I know that life without her would not be worth living. Rachel and I love each other and we respect each other. That's all I ever wanted from you, nothing more only your love and respect. I know Mum feels the same.

_I watched you die  
I heard you cry  
Every night in your sleep  
I was so young  
You should have known better than to lean on me  
You never thought of anyone else  
You just saw your pain  
And now I cry  
In the middle of the night  
For the same damn thing_

Everything you did to me, all the pain you caused me still effects me, even know that I'm a grown man. I wonder if life could have been different if I'd known, if you'd been there for me when I was growing. Would I be a different person if you had protected me instead of victimising me or if I hadn't had to witness all of those arguments between you and Mum.

_Because of you  
I never stray too far from the sidewalk  
Because of you  
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt  
Because of you  
I tried my hardest just to forget everything  
Because of you  
I don't know how to let anyone else in  
Because of you  
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty  
Because of you  
I am afraid_

All of these questions I have for you can't be answered without you. For so many years I hated you with such passion but I am settled in life now, I have a family and a purpose; things I've always wanted. Maybe now Dad I am ready to let you back into my life. But I don't know where you are so this will end up being just another letter amongst the pile that have never been sent.

_**Your son,  
Dale**_


End file.
